Invisible Mother
by The Cavity
Summary: *Completed* It's really sad, and it is about Beka's mother.
1. Invisible Mother

Disclaimer: I don't own andromeda. Or any of the characters for that matter  
  
A/n: Please review. Oh, and this is written in Beka's Point of View.  
  
I was in my quarters , and I held the picture in my hand. The only picture that I had of my good for nothing mother. Her green eyes stared me in the face patronizing me looking as if she was saying 'Look what you had. You lost what you had. Just for being born. Just because you were a mistake' I didn't know if that is what my mother sounded like. How would I know? It's not like I could remember anything that she has ever said to me. It's not like she gave a damn to come and see me.  
  
For the longest time, I lived under the impression that my mother was dead. It would have been better if she was dead. Then, I would at least know she cared about me, but having a mother who left you when you were younger cause she didn't give a shit. That was different. Believing that she was dead, was a hell of a lot better than believing she was alive. Psyche Valentine deserved to be dead. I hoped she was.  
  
I never could understand why I never threw away her picture. It's not like she was my mother. A mother is someone who cares about you not runs away when things get hard. She wasn't my mother. She was just the woman who gave birth to me. I wanted to throw away her picture so many times in my past, but I always kept her picture. It was the only picture that I ever had of her. I still do not have any idea why I still have it. I made a move to tear her picture, but I couldn't no matter how much she hurt me she was still my mother. My invisible mother I guess you could say.  
  
Harper walked in, and looked at me holding the picture.  
  
"Who is that?" He said questioningly  
  
"Psyche Valentine"  
  
"Your mother?" he moved over to get a good look at the picture  
  
"Mother, What mother? I never had a real mother!!!" I say angrily at Harper my voice I could hear was ice cold.  
  
"All right, I'm sorry I just thought that-"  
  
I cut him off "That's the problem Harper you think to much.Don't think" I said coldly.  
  
He changed the subject quickly seeing that this was not a safe subject. "Dylan seems to want you on the command deck"  
  
I hastily shoved the picture in my drawer. I left the room, and I kept thinking in my mind 'I should have thrown that picture away' that small voice kept telling me in the back of my head. I wish that she wasn't my mother. No, she's not my mother. She's my invisible mother. Just an invisible mother.  
  
----- I put the flash in my eyes. I had to do it. I was just to upset, and I couldn't take it. All day, I thought about the mother that I never had the mother that I would never ever be able to know. It was the only comfort that I was able to have the only resolution to understand. I laid on my bed, but for some reason I could still feel the pain surging through me. This flash wasn't doing the trick.  
  
I put more into my eye. I needed more flash. Still, no help. I grabbed for more flash, but my hand reached the container that the flash was in only to find that the container was empty. Moments later, everything in front of me began to swirl everything in front of me turned, and twisted.  
  
I opened my eyes to see Trance, Tyr, Harper, and Dylan standing over me. I was lying down on something, but I did not know where I was. What time it was. I did not know why I was there. An odd buzzing sensation rang through my ears, and vibrated through my body. I began to shake convulsively. I couldn't not stop my eyes were rolling to my head, and I could no longer feel anymore.  
  
I heard the word "Overdosed" Everything was moving slowly. Nothing made sense. The words were slurred, but was that even the word overdosed. I couldn't tell. It couldn't be. Overdose is only the term that they gave to druggies, and trust me, I am not a druggie. Things were beginning to move quicker. I kept my eyes shut.  
  
I could hear Harper talking quietly over me "She has a problem"  
  
I then heard Dylan's commanding voice in barely a whisper "I thought that we had stopped it. I thought that she knew that doing flash was dangerous to her that she could die"  
  
"Obviously, not" Tyr responded.  
  
"I'll tell you one thing I just don't get it. I don't get it what would make her overdose like this. She was fine earlier. When I saw her at the command deck. She seemed happy to me." Dylan said concerned.  
  
I opened my eyes. Seeing that, Tyr, Dylan, Harper, and Trance were standing off to a corner conversing about me.  
  
"She's lucky, though, She's lucky that she even made it. Dylan, this is getting worse" Trance said.  
  
Her brain was moving quicker. The pain was coming back, and she began to moan. The group came over, and went around her.  
  
"Beka, I didn't know that you were still doing flash. I thought you understood" Dylan told me.  
  
"I haven't been doing flash lately. Now, was my first time in a while . It's just. Things." I found my self trying to explain to Dylan "You know what forget it.It doesn't matter.My problems are not your problems."  
  
Harper looked at me "Damnit, Beka, Why the hell would you do something like this why? Don't you know you could kill yourself? Don't you? I am not going to stand here and watch you kill yourself anymore." He scolded.  
  
"Harper, you don't understand." I said I hated to see Harper looking so mad at me.  
  
"What don't I understand"  
  
"You'd never get it"  
  
"Well, at least try me"  
  
"My mother" I began and a solitary tear fell down my cheek  
  
"Beka, your mother died, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not like you killed her." Dylan said  
  
I had to set Dylan straight. Who did he think that he was? "No, Dylan, She's not dead.I just told you guys that she was dead so I didn't have to deal with the fact that she is alive.Alive.And you know what is worse.She doesn't want me not now.not ever.Imagine having to live every day knowing your mother didn't want you and were a mistake.It was better off if she was dead. I've been thinking about my mother ever since I was looking through something that I had left on the Maru when I was younger. It was a box full of the things that I wanted to keep. In it I found my only picture of her. I wanted to throw it away so many times all week. She's not my mother. A real mother who cares. But, I couldn't bring myself to it. I wish she was dead. Damnit, I wish I was dead I can't take it anymore" My words were becoming croakier.  
  
I could not breathe anymore my head was spinning. I could not hold on anymore. All, I could feel was my body sinking more and more. As if someone was holding a pillow over my face. I could not breathe or even see. Or hear. All, I could hear was the pace of my hear going slower, and slower each second. Until, I could not hear that anymore. I was falling, falling, into light. A light that I had never seen before. A glorious light. Was I dead?  
  
---- 


	2. The Log of Psyche Valentine

Years before.  
"I am leaving this for you. So, that when you are old enough to understand this that you know that I cared about you. That I loved you. That I felt for you, but I am sorry. Sweetheart, sometimes life leads you in another direction. I am a prisoner. If you are flying around in the Eureka Maru it is a ship that both me and your father made for you, and he is going to give it to you when you are older. Beka, I love you so.so.much. But, I can not stay I must leave. I wish I could stay, and see you grow older. I wish I could stay and hear your laugh, and your play. To gossip. To hear the talk about-"  
  
But she was cut off there was a big commotion in the back ground. "Psyche, we need you the Orion is being attacked. Something is entering the ship. Oh damn." A distant voice called.  
  
So, I hate to say this story sad but true. This is not the end. Under the seat that Beka sits in when she is on the Eureka Maru there is an inscription, and it reads 'Beka, I will, and always love you -Mom"  
  
To bad she never knew. 


	3. Is that enough Beka?

A/n: I already wrote the disclaimer in the beginning. This is the end of my story. Sorry, it took so long we went to a dance workshop in Houston over the weekend, and my homework load has been higher than usual.  
  
I'd like to thank  
  
Mary Rose  
  
Qwerty  
  
Iara  
  
Lil short person if you're reading this again cause you already read this in speech. Remember you suggested it.  
  
Marshmellow, I do so have a heart!!!!!  
  
Harper's POV  
  
It was a very sleepless night for me. I tossed, turned, and fidgeted unable to shake off the horrible feeling that I in some strange way had managed to kill Beka. There were so many things that kept repeating themselves through my mind over and over again as if a video was plastered over my face. If only they would stop.  
  
I sat up bolt right "I killed her" I muttered a tear streaming down my eyes. Another tear rolling down my cheek. I tried to wipe the tears off of my cheeks, but was unsuccessful as the tears rolled down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. 'Damnit, men don't cry' I kept thinking to myself, but the salty wet tears did not yield for the simple fact men don't cry.  
  
I buried my face into my pillow with the thought glued to permanently in my mind. 'I killed her rang louder and louder through my ears, and soon vibrated through my entire body. Yelling at me louder than an explosion of a star and louder each second passed.  
  
"I killed her" I yelled out in agony. "She is dead because I killed her" I went to the mirror and looked at my revolting reflection. It had red all over my face like a tomato, and I hated my reflection.  
  
'Why am I looking at myself?' I thought suddenly. How selfish was it of me to be looking at my reflection? I slammed my fist into the wall, and my knuckles were bleeding. My blood was specked over the wall. 'There, that will help Beka forgive me'  
  
I went into my room and grabbed my pocket knife off of the counter that I usually left it on. I made one slash upon my leg.  
  
"Beka, do you forgive me" There was no answer from Beka. That meant that wasn't enough for Beka. I slashed my leg again hot pain searing through it, and I began bleeding more.  
  
I looked up again and yelled "Beka, do you forgive me?" No response. So, that meant still not enough for Beka. I slashed across my chest slowly, and blood dripped down from the moment that it hit my skin. I once more yelled to Beka for forgiveness, but Beka didn't respond. I cut myself more and more, and after each time I paused and asked Beka for forgiveness. I couldn't stop it became an obsession because I had to get Beka's forgiveness.  
  
I kept on slashing until Dylan walked in. "Beka, is that enough" I yelled out in pain, and ignored Dylan. He looked at me in fear.  
  
"Harper, what the hell do you think your doing?"  
  
I slashed myself once more "Beka, do you forgive me?" Dylan grabbed my slashed arm, and tried to wrestle away the knife from me. He retrieved it fairly quickly since I was weak from loosing all of the blood. I reached for his arm.  
  
"No, Dylan that is not enough. Beka, will never forgive me"  
  
Dylan looked at me with trepidation reverberating through his eyes quicker than the speed of light.  
  
"Harper! Damnit! You can't do this to yourself! I won't let you" He said as he looked at the fairly small puddle of blood that surrounded me.  
  
I jumped on Dylan trying to take back the knife that I needed. Dylan, was not going to stop me from getting Beka's forgiveness.  
  
"Beka, has to forgive me" I yelled. The thought of Beka if she never forgave me swept swiftly through my body. I could not live if Beka did not forgive me.  
  
Tyr walked in. He easily separated us, and I made weak violent attempts to get at the knife, but Try held me back. I felt salty tears streaming down my face.  
  
"Harper, life will go on, We all miss Beka-" Dylan began.  
  
"Like hell you do!!!" I yelled cutting him off, in pure rage.  
  
Dylan continued ignoring my outburst "But life goes on"  
  
I had so many things to tell Dylan to set him straight. I wanted to tell them all to him at once, things like how stupid he was, and how wrong he was. I wanted to tell him that he didn't really even miss Beka. I never got a chance because everything started churning around and around slowly clouding my vision, and I could no longer feel myself anymore.  
  
~.~  
  
I opened my eyes, and all that I could think of was Beka. I needed pain for her. I sat up and I was in the Andromeda medical bay. I needed pain for her to forgive me. I buttoned my shirt, and headed straight for the weapons room, and grabbed the first object I saw I grabbed a laser gun, and I shot myself. The strange odd sensation of sinking overswept me all I could feel was a dull sensation of falling, and then all I could hear was the slow thump of my heart beating slowly. Bum Bum, but it went slower and slower. It finally stopped.  
  
'Beka' I thought 'Is that enough?' 


End file.
